Responding to political polls is my version of working a phone sex hotline. They can’t see who I am so they have to believe what I tell them.
Reminds me of the ultimate Internet cartoon from The New Yorker, a golden retriever typing at a keyboard and captioned “on the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.”
To some pollsters, I’m a young, vivacious Latina. That’s about half right. Latin is the basis for English, Spanish and Italian, among others. so Italians are arguably Latino. Olé.
I have recently been an African-Italian-American. A nice black lady from Gomorrah South was painfully silent when I said that, but it’s her job to record my response. I do a perfect Cajun brogue, but I don’t go into character unless I’m getting paid.
I just poll-danced four times in six days and am thus qualified for a job on Stormy Daniels’ national tour de farce.
Pollcats are making a ton of money right now. A garden variety candidate survey costs roughly $1,000 per minute. So 12 minutes of questions cost about $12,000.
As I was writing this screed, past deadline as always, I got my second recent robo poll. The disembodied voice promised it would only take four minutes. It was a political poll, so naturally they lied. (See below for revenge.) It took 10 minutes.
The above was Poll Number 4 which got my opinion on all the “we love Czar Donaldov” issues. The non-robo-respondent was a 60 year-old Green Party Latina, aka me. I answered the issue queries truthfully, even awarding Gov. Veto El Obtúsè a D-minus instead of a Big F.
Interestingly, they trial-heated GOP Attorney General Adam Laxalt against “any Democrat” for governor.
Poll Number 3 used the typical technique of tricking the respondent into thinking his/her opinion really matters when the point is to smear somebody they don’t like toward the end.
So a Quaker-Amish, Latino-Italian union member lied that he gets almost all his news from newspapers (I only had one option, boss). He added that he was fine with them there dirty California liberals like Rep. Nancy Pelosi being cozy with Rep. Jacky Rosen. I also said that I favor impeaching the dastard in the White House and that I was undecided in a mythical gubernatorial matchup between Laxalt and Clark County Commissioner Steve Sisolak.
Which brings me to Poll Number 2. I talked with a nice lady from Gomorrah South working for a North Carolina outfit. It was another push poll, trying to find out what would sway me to vote against Question 3 this November. That’s the electricity conundrum where we get to choose between the Devil (Vegas Vampire Sheldon Adelson) and the Deep Blue Sea, NVEnergy Scrooge Warren Buffet. More on that further down the road.
Poll Number One was also performed by a North Carolina outfit which took forever to get to the real point: Will Washoe County voters support a room tax increase to expand the Reno-Sparks Convention Center? I’d say OK if they do what Vegas would not on the Oakland Raiders deal: Tack on some serious education money rather than continuing the perversion of the original intent of the room tax. See the Barbwire Corporate Welfare Archive for the history of that scam.
So now you know what to do when pollsters call. You will rarely have such power, as your answers will represent perhaps hundreds of thousands of voters. So answer most questions straight up, but throw in some kinks to keep the blackguards off balance, my fellow Quaker-Amish Luddite Latino revolutionaries.
MIKE ROYKO RULES. The legendary Chicago columnist once threw a primary election into a tizzy when he published a column advising people to lie when pollsters call. His point was that constant media focus on the “horse race” unfairly influences elections. Some very good candidates have gone down because some poll-daddy said s/he had no chance.
Remember what a Frenchman said years ago, “American political history is a series of flukes.” Exhibit A: our current national freak show.
RENTERS’ RIGHTS RISING. Thanks to all those who responded to my call for a new renters’ rights organization. (Barbwire April 25) I’ve since been quoted in the Reno News & Review and had a series of comments on Reno’s KRNV TV-4/KRXI TV-11 and KENV-10 in Elko. Wait till you see what I’m going to name the website.
Please be patient as I have some serious “strategery” to develop before we launch.
Stay tuned and keep them cards and letters comin’ in.
Be well. Raise hell. / Esté bien. Haga infierno.
Andrew Barbano is a 49-year Nevadan and editor of NevadaLabor.com. Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988. E-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org>