It was the summer of 1947 and starving young Hollywood screenwriter Hymie Schwartz was pitching a film idea to rapacious MGM movie mogul Louis B. Mayer.
This report is based on recently unearthed notes discovered by the vaunted Barbwire investigative team. As always, we have spared every expense to bring you the news you never knew you needed to know till now.
“Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Mogul, er…Mayer.”
“Skip the niceties, kid. Show me how your movie is going to make me big money.”
“Well, sir, uh, you see, I know that motion pictures are big financial risks so studios want to reduce the downside. My idea is timely and includes elements of already successful films: Classic horror like ‘Dracula,’ the desire to live forever like ‘The Mummy,’ and ‘Lost Horizon,’ and a glimpse of the future like ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ “
“Hold it right there kid,” Mayer interjected. “Frank Capra and the studio lost their asses on ‘Wonderful Life’ and he went way over budget on ‘Lost Horizon.’ Came close to losing a million or more.”
Schwartz’s foot began tapping uncontrollably.
“Yes, Mr. Mayer, I know. But this film adds timeliness like none other.”
“OK, pitch me in one sentence.”
“Hitler comes back from the dead in the 21st Century and does it all over again.”
Mayer was speechless.
“Gotta hand it to you kid, you got balls to pitch a movie about Hitler to an old Jewish guy.”
Schwartz got enthusiastic.
“This American fuehrer creates national fear of anyone not of ‘pure blood’ heritage. Instead of starting concentration camps, he labels his as ‘detention centers.’ He viciously and violently suppresses any criticism. The resurgent Confederacy supports him because he looks strong. Underestimated like Hitler, he becomes president for life.
“It’s a cautionary tale, Mr. Mayer. I got the idea from Madame Rue, the psychic at 34th and Vine. She said that suicides always come back quickly. The universe gives them another chance to get it right. Hitler killed himself in 1945, so he may have returned as soon as last year.
Reincarnation is a staple of many religions. Sherlock Holmes’ creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a spiritualist. There’s a lot we can’t explain. Look at all the stories about that UFO crash in Roswell, New Mexico this month.”
Mayer’s face betrayed a thin smile. “Alright, kid. How does a lowlife like Hitler make a comeback?”
“Well, America loves money and forceful businessmen. No offense. Hitler endlessly pursued bragging rights, had to have the biggest tanks, battleships, buildings — you name it. The blonde guy in my film will even lie about building the tallest skyscraper in New York City and get away with it.
“Hitler returns as a totally ruthless, laws-be-damned, rich businessman.
Again, no offense.”
“Don’t worry kid. I’ve been called worse.”
Schwartz was gaining confidence and speaking more enthusiastically, according to notes taken by Mayer’s secretary.
“Mr. Mayer, America is booming with enthusiasm now that World War Two is over. Some feel another depression will follow the war, as depressions often do. The country is placing a premium on predicting the future.
This film, ‘Hitler Returns,’ will capitalize on that.”
“I don’t know kid, most would just like to forget the son of a bitch.”
“With the scare of totalitarian communism burgeoning worldwide, they can’t, sir. People get reminded and warned about dictatorship every day.
This idea can be a drama, a comedy, a satire or all of the above. Maybe several films. Remember, no less than American hero Gen. George Patton believed himself a reincarnated Roman soldier.”
“I’ll think it over kid but I just don’t think the world wants that kind of stuff right now. Let it cool a few years till people start to forget.”
“That’s exactly what worries me, sir. Thanks for your time.”
REALITY BREAK: Donald Trump was born in 1946, 13.5 months after Adolf Hitler’s suicide. Trump has recently been criticized for increasingly blurting Hitler Nazi phrases during his campaign speeches.
EPILOGUE: Hymie Schwartz never made it big. He consulted on director Ed Wood’s 1959 sci-fi debacle “Plan 9 from Outer Space,” which critics have called the worst movie of all time. In 1965, Hymie worked on “My Mother, the Car,” about a schlub whose domineering mother is reincarnated as a 1927 Tin Lizzie. It often tops lists of goofiest-ever television concepts.
MGM (aka “Money Grabbing Moguls) missed a huge opportunity. In 1951, 20th Century Fox’s “The Day the Earth Stood Still” shook the nation. And made big money. Paramount’s 1956 reincarnation classic “The Search for Bridey Murphy” came from a blockbuster book.
Mel Brooks’ 1967 “The Producers,” about “Springtime for Hitler and Germany,” was a comedy sensation. Its 2005 remake also hit big, as did a Broadway musical version.
In 1974, Hymie Schwartz’s nephew Hermie worked at the studio which owned the rights to “It’s a Wonderful Life.” He forgot to renew its copyright.
Television executives took advantage of the freebie and it became a revered Christmas classic, successful at long last.
PAVING PARADISE, ROUND OR RECTANGULAR. Yeah, I know, I know — It’s not a roundhouse but a gigantic, historic railroad maintenance building that Sparks needs to save before Union Pacific bulldozes it for semi truck parking. (Last week, I only caught part of a TV story at deadline. Meaculpa.)
Union Pacific executive suites must be suffused with closet Joni Mitchell fans: “To pave paradise, put up a parking lot.”
But hey, Gomorrah South implodes its history on a regular basis. Perhaps this is an opportunity to show that the Rail City is becoming competitive at forgetting the past. Kinda like Trump supporters.
Maybe U.P. will hire Joni Mitchell to sing at the execution.
Happy High Holly Days to you and yours.
Vaxx up, stay safe, pray for Ukraine and almost 100 other currently war-torn lands.
Be well. Raise hell. / Esté bien. Haga infierno.
Andrew Quarantino Barbáno is a 54-year Nevadan and editor of NevadaLabor.com/ Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988. E-mail barbano@frontpage.reno.nv.us
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