DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for more than a year. We met at the gym. We have similar interests and are both normally caring and loving to each other. We also have similar senses of humor.
We moved in together too quickly, after only six months. Our attempt at blending our kids and families has hit a lot of hard bumps. He is a very assertive and aggressive parent, while I’m the opposite. He has helped me with pointers and advice on taming my two boys’ “attitudes,” and both have changed the attitudes they had before and are doing good.
The problem is, my boyfriend has become controlling to the point that when anyone seems a little disrespectful or doesn’t do what they were supposed to or told to do, he gets in the middle of it. When we have an argument, if we disagree on something, he curses at me or calls me names. This has become a dealbreaker for me. He says I spoil and coddle my kids, which is a dealbreaker for him. He always apologizes afterward, but then he does it again. This may seem obvious, but is this as clear as I’m thinking that we should break up? — SOMEWHAT HOPELESS
DEAR SOMEWHAT HOPELESS: Because your “gentleman” (I use the term advisedly) friend becomes verbally abusive when you have a disagreement, recognize that he continues to do it because it works for him. The example his behavior has set for your boys is atrocious. I’m pleased that you are thinking as clearly as you have been. Offer him the option of couples counseling. If he refuses, for your kids’ sakes if not for your own, move out and move on. The person you’re involved with isn’t just “aggressive” as much as he is a bully.
DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful husband and four beautiful kids. But lately I’ve started crushing on his best friend, and I sometimes fantasize about him. I love my husband with all my heart, and I’m truly happy with our marriage. How can I rid myself of these feelings? I don’t know what they mean. — MYSTIFIED IN MISSOURI
DEAR MYSTIFIED: It means you are human. A way to control your fantasies would be to quit feeling so guilty about having them. You are far from the only woman to develop crushes on unattainable men. Fan clubs for actors and television personalities come immediately to mind. The time to worry and possibly seek professional help would be when the crush starts having a negative effect on your marriage. You say you love your husband. If that’s true, show him the respect he deserves by reminding yourself not to follow through on those fantasies.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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