Love hurts. I know. Because of my passion for one Italian girl, this column was censored in its entirety in March, 2015. Here’s a slightly updated version. “I didn’t realize it until I laid eyes on her in the flesh. Assemblymember Michele Fiore, R-Gomorrah South, is the embodiment of the Italian girl my mother always wanted me to marry. “Alas and alack, I was born 30 … [Read more...]
Wisdom from the Immortals: Goethe, Ali & Connery
PARAMOUR DEPT. Last Saturday, Gov. Veto El Obtúsè embarked upon Wife No. 2 half a year after shedding Wife No. 1. The timeless words of a legendary interpersonal relations innovator seem appropriate: “A man usually owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” Who was that wise man? Oft-married actor and forever James Bond, Sir Sean … [Read more...]
Buy Local? ‘Bye Local and Goodbye to Paul Laxalt
BUY LOCAL? ‘BYE LOCAL. A local couple of my acquaintance is into big trucks for business and pleasure - to the tune of buying new ones very frequently. They have found the 16-hour drive to Boise, Idaho, worthwhile, saving an average of $20,000 on each purchase. I’d like to hear from local dealers as to why that’s so. PAUL LAXALT, FINANCIAL GENIUS. At Monday presstime came … [Read more...]
Analog Anachronisms and Digital Dinosaurs
There stood I at DMV waiting to get mugshotted for a new four-year driver’s license. The kid who had just examined my eyes had expressed surprise that this old man could see so well, so I was feeling kinda pumped. “You look like Hammy,” said a skinny teen standing ahead of me. “Who?” said I. “Dr. Hammond. Haven’t you seen the ‘Jurassic Park’ movies?” his well-tattooed … [Read more...]
Ballardini Black Hole: Let’s Get Our Millions Back
Great Depression2 is now a lock, so let’s go get our money back. In 2006, former Washoe County commissioners put a stop to the acquisition of the Ballardini Ranch via eminent domain. The Minnesota-based speculators would have gotten a fair market profit. Taxpayers would have preserved the last large swath of open space in the Truckee Meadows, 1,019 acres. Alas and alack, … [Read more...]
Putin & the Blowfish: High Treason Season of the Witch
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it. America voted for radical change. We got it. Czar Donaldov’s fawning performance in Helsinki last Monday brought shouts of high treason from high places, except from top Democrats. At least Sen. Schumer and Shadow Speaker Pelosi joined a statement with House Speaker Paul Ryan (with Hermit the Frog hedgingly, grudgingly and … [Read more...]
SCOTUS Coitus Interruptus and Terminal Teslacide
I herewith contradict my oft-repeated advice to bury gold in a backyard coffee can for the duration of the looming Great Depression2. Invest some of your retirement money in any company that manufactures coat hangers. No wonder Czar Donaldov put a tariff on imported metals. He knows that demand for abortion wire services will skyrocket when his new Supreme Court nominee is … [Read more...]
Fake Boobs and Fake News: Guts, Feathers and All
Great Depression 2 started last Sunday, July 1, as I predicted in 2017. REVOLUTION. Quite appropriately, I’m writing this screed on Independence Day, July 2, the 242nd anniversary of the 1776 Second Continental Congress adoption of Richard Henry Lee’s treasonous motion. Many copies of the Declaration of Independence were distributed over the next few weeks. Most of the … [Read more...]