In addition to all the red flags and warning lights flashed by us unpatriotic denizens of fake news media, equally serious signals from the frivolous end of reality abide. So let’s begin with the end.
- RUMPELSTILTSKINNY DIPPING. In an economic slump we increasingly share, the Chinese government has found one positive rump index to tout: sales of men’s boxers and briefs have climbed up China’s rust belt. The rest of their economy has its shorts in a bunch, kinda like us.
Remember the once-infallible Super Bowl stock index? If a team from the old NFL won the championship of our national religion, the Dow-Jones would rise by year’s end. If a former AFL team won, sell. The coin-flip streak lasted two decades and has since been blown several times, most recently in 2018 with Philly upsetting the New England Brady Bunch.
- TERMINAL SKINNY. Fashion models have long been Photoshopped to appear skinner and leggier, fueling our national eating disorder epidemic. (See “Bliss Barbies” in the 2-7-2018 Barbwire.)
I predict that the U.S. will never go as far as Brazil where breast REDUCTION has been a fad for two decades. The UK, I dunno. Last week, Buckingham Palace announced that prepubescent former 1960s supermodel Twiggy will soon be knighted by the queen. (The term “dame” is not considered in good taste on this side of the pond. And I don’t wanna see Twiggy damned.)
- KALE. Popular with Twiggy and her spawn. It would be cheaper to just shred green copy paper. Bon apétit.
- HAIKU. Makes even bad cowboy poetry look literate.
- ALTERNATIVE FACTS FROM FAKE NEWS MEDIA who continue to use “media” as a singular noun. This newspaper is a MEDIUM, dammit. I like the late great New York columnist Jimmy Breslin’s definition better: “Media is the plural of mediocre.” Touché.
- CENSORING CENSORS. “Family Guy” creator and one-off Oscar host Seth McFarlane’s sci-fi spoof “The Orville” just began its second season on (where else) FOX. Last year, two gay-ish male alien crewmembers had a female baby. Their culture demanded that her sex be changed to male, as they came from a male-only society. After much handwringing, the motherish figure of the two acquiesced.
McFarlane’s little morality play then whipped one past the censors. The former girl-baby would be named “Topa.” So what? Well, that’s Italian for female genitalia, that’s what. Zounds. George Carlin, call your office.
- UGLY TATTOOS ON BEAUTIFUL BODIES. As did her mother Lisa Bonét in May of 1988, gorgeous Zoë Kravitz posed nude on Rolling Stone’s cover last November. Bonét had been fired from TV’s number one show by that paragon of phony prissy virtue Bill Cosby and was two months pregnant with Zoë at the time. (Bonét was axed for co-starring in the occult thriller “Angel Heart” with Robert DeNiro and Mickey Rourke.)
Rolling Stone re-printed her mom’s 1988 photo. It’s almost impossible to tell the two cafe au lait beauties apart. Save for the ugly tattoos which deform the daughter.
The tattoo fad will signal its own end when engineers start getting inked. Sociologists know that pocket-protector types are the most conservative among us and thus last to follow a trend. Demographers determined that the facial hair trend was coming to an end when engineers started wearing whiskers 20 years ago. Metrosexual fashion has now proceeded back to the 1980s Miami Vice stubble-bum look.
- BLOW-UP DOLL MANNEQUIN BROTHELS have been found illegal wherever someone’s tried. Good. They are bad for Nevada business, not only for legal cow-county cathouses but all the casinos who provide pretty pleasurers to high rollers. (I am certain that this Nevada legend is totally fake news.)
- DEEP FRIED FROZEN quarter-pounders of butter on a stick. Popular at midwestern county fairs. No wonder the farm states voted for Trump.
- FRIED CHICKEN WITH WAFFLES. Several respected local restaurants are serving that abomination and KFC has gotten into the act.
“Ya’ll want deep-fried butter with that?”
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: A Massachusetts union man forwarded this Tweet: “If Trump can ‘shut down the border’ as he threatens, why does he need a wall?” Amen.
SHUT DOWN THE SHUTDOWN. The new Congress can just pass a budget bill and over-ride Czar Donaldov’s spiteful veto. So what’s the problem?
BARBWIRE CONFIDENTIAL: My die-hards will soon receive early warning of some serious happenings of which the rest of the fake news media remain blissfully unaware. I ain’t over-promising. Subscribe at BallotBoxing.US, strictly HUSH-HUSH!
Hope you and yours enjoyed Happy High Holly Days. I’m giving you the rest of this week off, then back to work in search of auld liberty’s rejuvenation. Ponce de León, call your office. More sobering predixions next week.
Be well. Raise hell. Esté bien. Haga infierno.
Andrew Barbano is a 50-year Nevadan and editor of NevadaLabor.com/ E-mail email@example.com Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988.