The world class Barbwire investigative team has spared every expense to obtain a secret internal memo from my inside source, DeepGLOP:
TO: Chairpersons, both Nevada Republican Parties (you know who you are)
FROM: Strategery Dept.
RE: Presidential visit this weekend in the Alabaster Bastion
As you are aware, our leader will descend hereabouts this weekend, flying thru hellfire and damnation into Reno, then driving – driving – an hour each way to get to the Minden Airport. Such an indignity foisted upon him by Nevada liberals.
Please turn out your die-hards (and I mean that literally, see below). Tell them not to wear masks as it just pisses off the old man. You can wear your cammos but please leave your machine guns at home. Oops, I forgot — we’re talking Douglas County. Bring the heat.
I hope they don’t invite that treasonous library director who’s trying to pervert the minds of our children with sympathy for black and brown terrorists. Does anybody know if Nevada Assembly Minority Leader Jim Wheeler can attend? The president would like a guy who says he’d vote for slavery if his constituents want it. That’s true back-to-the-future democracy, not that wussy booklearning stuff.
We can turn defiance of Nevada’s Antifa pro-mask governor into a net positive while cutting our losses. Make sure to keep detailed records of everyone who shows up. Some may exhibit COVID-19 symptoms from the rally shortly before vote-by-mail ballots are sent in about two weeks.
Follow up and instruct them to get their ballots early if at all possible, then fill out a straight GOP ticket and promptly return them to their voter registrar’s office.
DO NOT trust the postal service. We can’t let word get out that Republicans know how to mail letters.
This is a win-win situation for the president. Dead or alive or hospitalized, all of the rally attendees will have voted, so their votes will count.
If some of them die before election day, the party will have proof that dead people are voting by mail, proving the president correct, as always.
What’s not to like?
Yours in victory should you live long enough,
Deep State Covert Consultant and freelance pet and birthday photographer
(You know how to contact me via the Dark Web. Today’s user name is KochAin’t)
ps: Hyper-liberal California Antifa thugs have rigged it so that the skies will look like the 7th circle of hell on Saturday. To keep our attendees safe until they can vote, please inform them not to breathe unless absolutely necessary.
THE AWFUL TRUTH. The above went out to a few hundred thousand of my e-mail co-conspirators in advance of Czar Donaldov’s sojourn to the whitest part of Nevada last Saturday. It received the usual range of comments from the usual suspects.
One freedom loving racist in Gomorrah South trashed me for obviously defending George Floyd, the Minneapolis black man who died of a drug overdose.
Except he didn’t. The coroner ruled it a homicide by cop and four fired officers now face felony charges. Obviously a Fox News fan.
The most curious result came from people I’d confused. I apologized, as creating confusion is one of my few talents. (Damn…I could’a been president.)
Some people actually wondered if the letter from “Luther Lovelace” (son of a famous movie star, perhaps?) was authentic.
I didn’t think about it as I worked on it, but it really shows how hard it is to lampoon a real-life cartoon. The essence of a joke is stretching reality till it’s funny. For the most part, El Presidente has already pushed it about as far as it can go. He tries to put us comedians out of work, then brags about job creation. What a guy.
There is justice in the world. Trump actually had to drive the 60+mile route both ways. I guess the guv wouldn’t let him use a chopper.
Oh, the humanity!
HAT TRICK. I guess now I’ve done it all. The above hit on Trump was my third bruise on a president. Back in 1982, when Ronald Reagan was on his way to UNR to speak, I placed “None of Above” billboards on his motorcade route. (See NAGPAC.org)
In 1988, I accompanied some clients to hear then-VP George HW Bush speak at Reno High. While standing in line, I spoke with reporters from the Reno Gazette-Journal and Associated Press. I asked if they might have that morning’s Wall Street Journal in their newsrooms. Affirmative.
I then called their attention to a front page story about how Bush the Elder was giving boring speeches filled with “cliches and bromides” and that his handlers were worried about his presidential campaign.
Sure enough, in addressing the crowd at the Reno High gym, he used some of the tired items the WSJ had noted. So the spin nationwide the next day was all about Bush giving another tired, hackneyed speech.
The above potshot at the Orange Crush gives me a hat trick. Keep lobbing up the softballs, guys. I’ll swing for the seats, but only if the fans are masked.
SUE THE BASTARDS. Go to NevadaLabor.com to read the latest volley in the war to protect local bus passengers and drivers. My friends at Teamsters Local 533 have sued the operators of the local transit system for refusing to comply with Gov. Sisolak’s order to wear masks. They filed last Friday in federal court.
I have built an entire website about the dereliction of duty by the Regional Transportation Commission of Washoe County. Call ‘em, e-mail them, text them, tell them they are falling down in their most basic duty to the public.
RTC is comprised of Washoe County Commissioners Vaughn Hartung (R) and Bob Lucey (R) and Reno City Councilmembers Neoma Jardon (R) and Oscar Delgado (D). The City of Sparks seat remains vacant after the recent death of Mayor Ron Smith.
Some 20,000 people a day are potentially exposed to COVID-19 on those rolling ocean liners.
Read “No pants? No service. No mask? OK” at NevadaLabor.com/ Once again, that’s not a put-on. You can’t ride the bus naked (like the trouserless Sparks guy who was refused boarding), but you can with a naked face.
Take care of each other and be careful out there.
¡Sí se puede!
Be well. Raise hell. Esté bien. Haga infierno.
Andrew Barbano is a 51-year Nevadan whose reputation remains impervious to further augmentation or denigration. E-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988.