DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old woman who has been married for three years. We all have a past. Unfortunately, I made mistakes in mine that I foolishly mentioned to my husband when he asked. He is someone who doesn’t let go of things easily.
I had a threesome in my early 20s, which I didn’t think was a big deal because I was young and experimenting with my sexuality. He’s now insisting on my having one with him. He thinks I cheated on him because when we met nine years ago, I was still friends with the people involved. I love him, but I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. What should I do? — CORNERED IN LOUISIANA
DEAR CORNERED: If you’re against the idea, you should refuse. And if he persists with his wacky idea, the only “threesome” you should agree to would involve the two of you and a licensed marriage and family therapist.
DEAR ABBY: I’m an inmate at the women’s prison. My fiance and I have been together for four years and have four little ones under the age of 4. They are with him.
I am getting mad at him for not writing often or sending photos. I realize he’s busy taking care of the babies, but am I being selfish to think he should make time for me? — INMATE MOM IN NEVADA
DEAR MOM: I am glad you asked. I am also glad you recognize the fact that your fiance has his hands full, working to support his family while taking care of the little ones. Because you have more time on your hands than he does, spend some of it writing to HIM and the CHILDREN. Tell them how much you love and miss them. Describe your daily activities and your hopes for them. If you do, it may make your bond with them stronger and bring them closer to you until you are released.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married 10 years and in our 40s when he passed away three years ago. His wishes were that his ashes be split — half to me, and half to be buried with his mom in another state. I want to go there by myself and take care of it without notifying his family, so I won’t have to go through another “funeral.”
I haven’t spoken to his family members in that state since the funeral. I did speak with his sister — once — during the past year (we live in the same city), when I dropped off some of her family’s things that my husband had. Can I just go and take care of it? Must I inform the family? I would much prefer just going to the cemetery and then coming right back home. — YOUNG WIDOW IN NEW YORK
DEAR YOUNG WIDOW: Contact the owners of the cemetery and ask this question. If your husband’s family owns the plot in which their mother is buried, you may need their permission to open her grave and add your husband’s ashes. If you do not wish to have “another funeral,” it is, of course, your prerogative, but I doubt you can slip this past them.
DEAR ABBY: I have two mothers: my biological mother and Mom, who raised me. I share everything with Mom — my hopes, dreams, fears and everything in between. My biological mother and I are not as close. We never have been. I don’t have a single good childhood memory with her in it.
Lately, my bio mother has been extremely jealous of my relationship with Mom, even though she has never done anything to facilitate the same relationship with me. She’s pushy and constantly oversteps boundaries. Because of this, when I found out I was pregnant, I chose not to tell her.
I’m now 36 weeks pregnant, and someone adjacent to my inner circle has informed her of my pregnancy and due date. She contacted my family FUMING about my not telling her, insisting she had a “right” to know. I feel this is her, once again, feeling entitled to my life and trying to treat me as property. I do not feel she is entitled to any details about my life. Am I wrong? — GUARDED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GUARDED: You are not wrong, and I can see why you are feeling invaded. You are entitled to privacy if you want it. Your birth mother is “entitled” only to those details of your life you are willing to share with her. (When DID you intend to share the happy news with her? After the birth?) You may need to distance yourself from the person who gave your birth mother the news if you want to avoid similar breaches in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I’m writing about “Anxious About Alcohol in Georgia” (Aug. 30), the teen who was torn between his parents’ views on alcohol as he prepares for his first year of college. In Colorado, Georgia and many other states, minors ARE prohibited from possessing and drinking alcohol — with an important exception. That is, doing it in the presence of and under the supervision of their parents in their home.
I’m not condoning reckless behavior, but when I was growing up, my parents let us try beer and wine at an early age. It was pretty strong, and we didn’t like it. We were never encouraged to get drunk or use it in excess. But we learned about it, tasted it and understood the good and bad when dealing with alcohol. I believe this is why my sisters and I never had issues. We have always been responsible, and I’m convinced this is a responsible way to introduce alcohol to a minor.
We gain knowledge through experience. Having that experience in a safe environment with the proper guidance and supervision is a must. Better to learn with a responsible parent than a frat brother you just met. Agree? — ALLAN IN COLORADO
DEAR ALLAN: Yes, I do. And thank you for pointing out that provision in the law. Many other readers echoed your sentiments about demystifying the allure of alcohol by introducing it in the home under parental supervision. It could prevent some young people from going wild the minute they reach the campus.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.