Last week’s discussion of empathy has my mind wandering off to examine empathy’s dark cousin: sadism. Some researchers and clinicians fiercely defend the original meaning of sadism as seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure in the suffering of others. But most of us therapist types specify this as “sexual sadism.” In mainstream clinical use, sadism is chiefly identified … [Read more...]
Nurturing the Gift of Empathy
There is no such thing as “natural empathy.” Empathy is developmental. It is learned. And, thankfully, most people live somewhere in the window of normal empathy development. Yes, we can have grouchy days. Yes, we can take secret pleasure in the humiliation of our antagonists. But most of us have in our interpersonal repertoire the spontaneous restraint of our aggressions in … [Read more...]
The Making of a Good Cop
He’s a good man. He has character. Strong values. He is an impeccable gentleman in his dealings with women. He is well-mannered and respectful of all human beings. He obeys the law. He is responsible. He is uncanny bright. A hard-working student. He finished high school strong, and then off to college where he earned straight A’s for two semesters, tanked his third … [Read more...]
Duplicity Creeps Me Out – in Politics and Marriage
He’s divorced. He’s doing okay. He grieved hard for the first two years, but now he is finding his way back to a meaningful life. He is not here to talk about his divorce. He is here to talk about how to be related to his ex-wife and his need to be a faithful, post-marital co-parent. For months before, during and following the divorce, his now-ex recited the List of Reasons … [Read more...]
Raising the Dreaded Teenager
Your babies were once cute. Adorable. Yep, you had to change their diapers and wipe their noses, but, in exchange they would say cute, adorable things. And they thought you were a god. But keep giving food to adorable babies and they become big smelly teenagers. Laying waste to bathrooms. Drama. In many ways more vulnerable than a toddler. Often unlikable. Hamsters have … [Read more...]
Part 2 on Surviving Adultery: Assemble a Circle of Support
We continue our discussion from last week about the hope for healing unfaithful marriages. I said I know maybe 14 couples that have faced and healed this catastrophe. These couples have things in common from which we can learn. Last week we learned from The Wanderer. Today we shall learn from the Wanderee. The Wanderee has the strength to run a gauntlet of pain that … [Read more...]
How Marriage Survives an Affair
An extramarital affair does not have to end a marriage. There exist couples who have faced this crisis and clawed their way to forgiveness and reconciliation. They are born into a new identity. A new, healthier marriage. In 30+ years of my career, I have personal knowledge of 14 such couples. OK, the numbers aren’t great. So, can we learn from these uncommon couples? … [Read more...]
The disconnect of a modern homemaker
A parade of 21-40 year-old stay-at- home mothers come to my office and complain of boredom, resentment, depression, loneliness: “I feel like I’m going crazy” … “If I don’t talk to a grown-up soon, I … I ...” … “I need some ‘me time.’” And, it occurs to me that, in, say, 1938, housewives might have complained of any number of things, but not one of them ever said, “I need … [Read more...]