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Post marital dating rules

March 6, 2020 By Steven Kalas Leave a Comment

He meets her in a swirl of passion, limerence, best intentions, human hope and perhaps a wee small dram of beverage alcohol. The relationship takes off like a rocket on Fourth of July, where it explodes and crackles in brilliant colors beneath the firmament of their hearts. A week later he meets her little girl, too. Age five. The man is not a father, and certainly not the … [Read more...]

Divorce is hell … but

February 26, 2020 By Steven Kalas 2 Comments

The best, most justifiable divorce is hell. It goes downhill from there in a big hurry. Which is why I admire people who can negotiate that hell with honor, justice and equity. To do that, of course, requires one thing above all else: We cannot allow our sadness to arc into vengeance. A divorce is a funeral. Not a war. The work of divorce is grief. Not poisoning wells. Not … [Read more...]

Meet Triumph and Disaster two Impostors, just the same

February 19, 2020 By Steven Kalas 1 Comment

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) wrote one of my favorite childhood books, The Jungle Book, the gripping tales of the feral child Mowgli and his animal friends Bagheera, the leopard, Baloo, the bear, Kaa, the python, and Mowgli’s deadly rival Shere Khan, the tiger. Decades later, and now trained in a psychoanalytic view of the world, I finally saw the bitter irony reflected in … [Read more...]

Worst Shaolin Priest Ever

February 12, 2020 By Steven Kalas Leave a Comment

Throughout my adult lifetime, myriad teachers, therapists, and friends have agreed upon the same prescription for me: Explore the contemplative disciplines! Learn to meditate. Practice silence. Look within. Find a yoga class. Namaste! OHMMMMMMMmm … And, for decades, my response has been the same: “That feels right. I think contemplative disciplines would be good for me.” … [Read more...]

It’s Not All About Us

February 5, 2020 By Steven Kalas Leave a Comment

There’s one sure test to know whether I love someone: I revel in their happiness. I’m invested in their happiness. Working for, inspiring, sacrificing for their happiness fills me with happiness. Perhaps the most obvious place to observe this is with my children. There is simply no better day for me than when my children are thriving and happy. Conversely, it’s unlikely … [Read more...]

Spousal Abuse Question

January 29, 2020 By Steven Kalas Leave a Comment

I’ll always remember my favorite clinical supervisor as Wild Bill, though I never called him that to his face. But he had a long, shoulder-length mane and mustache that always recalled a favorite boyhood Old West hero, Wild Bill Hickock. More than anyone, it’s Bill’s fingerprints on my actual craft of talk therapy. He had a way of crafting questions that would dismantle a … [Read more...]

Justice is Not Revenge

January 22, 2020 By Steven Kalas Leave a Comment

When the world’s great religions admonish us to “love one another,” this is not the same as insisting in every case and every moment we possess warm feelings for everyone. The presence of affection is, in the end, no valid measure of whether we love. To the contrary, the fidelity and quality of love is most fiercely tested in the absence of affection. Affection is a … [Read more...]

Contemplating ‘Sophie’s Choice’

January 15, 2020 By Steven Kalas 1 Comment

In 1979, author William Styron gave us the novel “Sophie’s Choice”. In 1982, director Alan Pakula gave us the film by the same name. The story centers around Sophie, a Jewish survivor of Auschwitz who, in the film’s signature scene, is forced by a Nazi doctor to choose between her son and daughter. She can keep one child. The other she must surrender to die immediately in the … [Read more...]

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