The best, most justifiable divorce is hell. It goes downhill from there in a big hurry. Which is why I admire people who can negotiate that hell with honor, justice and equity. To do that, of course, requires one thing above all else: We cannot allow our sadness to arc into vengeance. A divorce is a funeral. Not a war. The work of divorce is grief. Not poisoning wells. Not … [Read more...]
Spousal Abuse Question
I’ll always remember my favorite clinical supervisor as Wild Bill, though I never called him that to his face. But he had a long, shoulder-length mane and mustache that always recalled a favorite boyhood Old West hero, Wild Bill Hickock. More than anyone, it’s Bill’s fingerprints on my actual craft of talk therapy. He had a way of crafting questions that would dismantle a … [Read more...]
Healing a marriage is 50/50 work
My friend says, with an ever-so-slight thread of defensive in his voice, “There’s a reason for all divorces. It’s fault that’s much harder to determine. I refuse to accept that fault is always split equally.” My friend is technically correct, and that in two ways. First, not all divorces happen as a result of consensus. Only sometimes do “We” decide for divorce. At least as … [Read more...]
The Real Marriage Vows
One of the consequences of being a priest is that I’ve likely attended more weddings than you have attended. Waaay more. At weddings, couples exchange vows. For better or worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. I won’t have sex with anybody else, ever. To love and to cherish. Until death do us part. You know the drill. These are the vows. The … [Read more...]
True fidelity isn’t only about sex
At the heart of marriage is the covenant pledge of fidelity. Now, ask around, and you’ll find that, when most folks hear the word “fidelity,” they immediately think of conjugal faithfulness. That is, I promise never to have sex with anybody else, ever. (Side note: It’s almost always a bad sign if, a few years into a marriage, your mate asks for your definition of what … [Read more...]