Spit on me, and we’ll get through it. But don’t talk to me like I’m stupid. I just see red.
I freely confess this is a childish ego issue for me. I’m working on it. But, in the meantime …
Dear Way Too Many Liberals:
(Just to clarify: I mean not all liberals, just way too many.)
It’s not true that only uneducated, not very bright white people voted for The Donald. I know tons of very bright, very well-educated folks who voted for the president while holding their nose for no other reason than that they believe the Progressives are wrong.
It’s not true that Republicans are racists, ipso facto. Similarly, it’s not true that Democrats are intrinsically less racist. And, while I’m at it, wandering up and down the street shouting “Racist, homophobe, xenophobe, Islamaphobe, misogynist” is a strategy you should examine. Because shouting it doesn’t make it so. Not to mention that, even if it is true, using these words as an ad hominem attack is about as useful as trying to get someone to quit smoking by yelling “cancer.”
No one ever stopped being racist because he/she acquired new information. I’m saying, racists don’t need to be educated; they need to be converted. And the only hope for conversion is dialogue. “Being angry” and “being right” aren’t dialogue.
It’s not true that the Russians cost Hillary the election. Nor did James Comey. The Democrats lost because 1) your candidate had palpable flaws and 2) you can only condescend to ethnic groups and the working class for so long before those same people walk away. Or push back.
You folks remind me of The Judean People’s Front in the Monty Python movie “Life of Brian:” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9foi342LXQE
Dear Kelly Ann Conway:
Kelly Ann, you are, quite simply, the best I’ve ever seen. You are brilliant. Relentless and immoveable. You are the Princess of Pivot. The Viceroy of Vapid. The Nero of Non Sequitor. The Spectacle of Specious. Immutable. An android from a Robert Heinlein novel.
Above all, you are shameless.
Talking with you is like eating jello with a fork: wherever you stick it in, it wiggles to the other side of the plate.
Maybe, just maybe if tortured with sleep deprivation, you’d crack and actually engage and answer an actual question. But a journalist in a 10 minute time slot has no chance against you. I’ve watched them mewl, plea, shout, hope, drag you back to the question time and time again … but, no. The time slot ends, the commercial break looms, and the exhausted journalist just sits like a lump, shaking his/her head in utter defeat.
Do you talk to your friends and family like this?
Question: “Honey, why didn’t we make love last night?”
Answer: “Why aren’t you asking me about the clean dishes as yet not unloaded in the dishwasher?”
Question: “Huh?”
You remind me of a Monty Python sketch about a smuggler trying to get through customs with obvious obfuscations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCPRfA6W00k
Dear The Donald:
You remind me of a Monty Python sketch about Mr. Biggles. Not because Mr. Biggles calls his Siren secretary “a bit of tail,” nor because she responds to Mr. Biggles by saying “I am not, you demented fictional character.” Rather, what catches my imagination is when Biggles’ secretary can’t ascertain when her boss is dictating and when he’s not dictating. So, Biggles resolves to wear antlers when he is dictating, and to remove the antlers when he’s not: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA2rF4ZA5Gc
So, instead of antlers, let’s use your red baseball cap. When you are wearing the cap, you are using ‘truthful hyperbole,’ and when you are not wearing the cap, you are using words meaningfully.
[Steven dons the cap]Donald! Dear boy! The media is so mean to you! Nobody since the dawn of human kind has ever assembled a larger crowd than the one at your inauguration. Nobody respects women more than you. (I checked. I’m the 10 millionth, 486 thousandth, 106th most respectful of women.) You are the smartest. You are the most successful. You are the least racist. (Personally, I’m the 7 millionth and 14th least racist.) The Wall is a great idea; it will be interesting to see if you can get it up. It’s not the least contradictory for you to hold the intelligence community in abject contempt, then to stand before that same community and affirm “There is nobody that feels stronger about the intelligence community and the CIA than Donald Trump.” Of course you kicked Hillary’s butt in the popular vote, but for all those illegal votes cast! You are absolutely, positively the legitimate 45th president of the United States!
[Steven removes the cap]It’s an entirely separate question whether you’re a legitimate adult.
Steven Kalas writes a weekly column for the Sparks Tribune. He is a Nevada author, a therapist and an Episcopal Priest. You can reach him at skalas@marinscope.com.
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