Every harried editor I’ve ever driven crazy at deadline has heard this excuse: “Something came in late and I had to rewrite from scratch. Please be patient.”
This is such a time.
I was scrambling for a killer lead when conveniently arrived a compelling offer from the National Republican Senatorial Committee, the folks distributing defrocked Sen. Dean Heller’s résumé and job applications.
This offer I could not refuse: “For a limited time only, donate just $1 or more to cover shipping and handling and we’ll send you a limited-edition White House ornament for free! This special offer won’t last long. Secure your ornament in time for the holidays now.”
My first request for brass balls bounced because they are sold out. My second order for three pawnshop gold orbs was also back-ordered. Apparently, the country is already in serious hock. I suggest that you buy now while the GOP mail-order mavens still accept payment in dollars rather than rubles.
Then, get ready to go out of your tree.
1. THE KELLYANNE TRIAL BALLOON. Blonde and airy, puffed-up and quite contrary. Available with your choice of alternative facts.
2. THE INDICTED SEA SCROLLS, great for exigent exegetes and taunting tax cheats.
3. THE MIRANDA WARNING BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL. The perfect gift for ex-White House aides as well as current and deposed cabinet officials.
4. THE IVANKA INSECURE E-MAIL BULB. Constantly flashes “lock her up!” (The Clinton Foundation has ordered 100,000, so make your reservation now.)
5. THE PRESIDENTIAL INSECURE SMART-PHONE BULB. Comes with a holographic photo of Stormy Daniels.
6. THE BLINDINGLY WHITE JARED KUSHNER BULB. Very popular in southern states.
7. THE BLACK LIGHT BULB. Discontinued. The White House isn’t into anything black except corporate profits.
8. THE HELLFIRE & DAMNATION BULB. God’s revenge on every state that didn’t support the president. Warning: Overheats every time the “Global Warming Chinese Hoax” light goes on.
9. THE LEAD BALLOON BULB. The perfect gift for those who have lost all sensation of human empathy.
10. THE LEAD PIPE CINCH BULB. The president’s personal present to the water supply of every community that didn’t vote for him.
11. THE FAKE NEWS BULB. Available with silicone or saline implants.
12. THE TROPHY WIFE COLLECTION. See No. 11.
13. BORDER WALL BULBS. Discontinued. Too heavy, expensive and useless.
No angels were willing to work the treetop.
ADDITIONAL HOLIDAY SPECIALS: JAMAL KHASHOGGI TURKEY CARVING SETS imported from Istanbul by the Trump organization. Free Exxon discount coupons with every purchase.
THE BAD VLAD HAND PUPPET COLLECTION. Lotsa fun if you’ve got small-enough hands.
RUDE RUDY’S ALA CARTE TRUTH BUFFET. The embodiment of the late Tribune columnist Travus T. Hipp’s potshot on political reality: “It’s all true, friends. Just some’s truer than others.”
Twofer gift cards available, perfect for people who will swallow anything but never eat crow. (Trumplodytes never apologize.) All meals include a shovelful of salt and a Jim Crow souvenir key chain.
FOR ROLLS ROYCE OWNERS ONLY: Special-order gold-plated hood ornaments featuring the busts of the president’s real and imagined enemies. Huge selection. Khashogghi not available.
PINK SLIPS, PURGES AND PRUNING. I need to hear from recently purged Eldorado Hotel-Casino employees. Barbwire spies report perhaps 100 workers getting the ax just in time for the holidays.
In this newspaper, at Barbwire.US and in the London Guardian, I have lamented the deepening desperation of renters here in Tesla boomtown.
I’m now getting complaints about medical and dental practices purportedly pruning their patient loads, cutting loose the less-lucrative. That’s de facto malpractice but medical professionals are lawsuit-proof under Nevada law – unless you’re rich enough to personally pay a few hundred grand in legal fees. That’s why TV lawyers only advertise for arrest or accident cases these days. If you’ve been cast adrift by patient pruning, call me at (775) 882-TALK or e-mail me, below.
DRUG TRAFFIC. Proving how follytix can anesthetize an audience, a local major network TV station reports an October drop of 20,000 website visitors from September. Gee, I wonder why.
Despite all of the depredations denoted hereinabove, I wish you and yours a warm and enjoyable Thanksgibleting. Happy High Holly Days.
Be well. Raise hell. Esté bien. Haga infierno.
Andrew Barbano is a 50-year Nevadan and editor of NevadaLabor.com. E-mail <email@example.com>. Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988.