I can’t get sloppy or casual with this guy. His brain is smart, thorough and relentless. He’s a bit intense, but so am I, so maybe we’re a good fit. He wants nothing more (and nothing less) than to be a good human being. And, some day, he’d like to be a good mate and life partner in a terrific relationship. He challenges me: “You say, ‘Stop confronting each other and start … [Read more...]
The Good/Bad Side of Religious Guilt
Cousin 1 says he believes the guilt his Catholic family taught him was important for his moral development. Cousin 2 disagrees. She says that same family’s teachings about guilt did nothing to enhance her inner voice for right and wrong; rather, she sees these teachings as a mechanism of control and injustice. Interesting discussion. But, when I get caught eavesdropping, … [Read more...]
Admire, Behold and See Your Children
This father just got his butt metaphorically kicked from here to Shanghai by his adult daughter. She just flat crawled him. A strafing run. This father is perplexed. Sincerely incredulous. Dazed and confused. Hurt, too, but that seems unimportant to him for the moment, compared to his inability to really grasp what just happened and why. The daughter’s outburst is all … [Read more...]
Trust: You Don’t Learn, You Decide
She wants me to help her learn to trust. Her exact words, in fact: “Help me learn to trust.” She thinks of trust, apparently, as a skill set one can acquire. A learning curve. Like trust was a martial art that we could test for and eventually earn a black belt. The Trust Master. She wants to master trust. I tell her I’m not her guy. I tell her there are no “trust … [Read more...]
Manhood Stands for Itself
When I was in kindergarten, Stevie Duffy was my nemesis. I’m astonished, actually, that I still remember his name. And his face. And his voice. But it’s all quite keen in my mind. Came the day he crossed the line. He was riding atop the teeter-totter, and he sneered “Stupid face!” And suddenly nothing in heaven or earth was more important to 5-year-old Steven Kalas then to … [Read more...]
Healing a marriage is 50/50 work
My friend says, with an ever-so-slight thread of defensive in his voice, “There’s a reason for all divorces. It’s fault that’s much harder to determine. I refuse to accept that fault is always split equally.” My friend is technically correct, and that in two ways. First, not all divorces happen as a result of consensus. Only sometimes do “We” decide for divorce. At least as … [Read more...]
Learn to say ‘I take it back’
Fistfights were something I managed to avoid during childhood. See, boys come in varieties. There is the “rough and tumble” type, always ready to defend their honor with violence and apparently without much concern for bodily self-preservation. And then there were boys like me, more experts at the Monty Python/Holy Grail art of self-defense: “Run awwayyy!” My abject terror, … [Read more...]
The world needs good fathers
I notice something about men. It seems like there is often a wound they have in common: The Father Wound. Absent Fathers. Detached, emotionally veiled fathers. Angry, critical fathers. Fathers who held families regularly hostage with moods. In too many cases, physically threatening, aggressive and/or abusive fathers. Fathers who raged, degraded and hit their sons. Maybe … [Read more...]