Jay Haley (1923-2007) is amongst my heroes in my chosen profession. I’ve read everything he’s ever written. I traveled to hear him speak. He was brilliant. And I’d like to sorta quote him now. ‘Sorta quote’ means I can’t remember the exact quote, but the gist is: “Divorce might be legally possible, but it might not be actually impossible. You just end up adding another … [Read more...]
Finding healthy soothing techniques
No, in fact, there are NOT lots of ways to eat a Hershey’s chocolate kiss. There is only one way. If you eat it some other way, something is wrong with you. You unwrap the foil. You crush the foil up in a tiny little ball, and then give serious thought to throwing it on the ground because something this tiny can hardly be litter. Then you put the chocolate whole on your … [Read more...]
Imagine interaction in pure innocence
2009ish, as memory serves. Joseph, my youngest, is 7, and hosting a sleepover. Joseph’s best friend is Liam. Age 6. Liam has the best laugh in the history of time. Liam’s overnight backpack doesn’t even make it into the house. When you’re a little boy, play is a serious, urgent business. No, seriously, he drops it on the sidewalk patio and runs into the yard. First, … [Read more...]
‘My, what big eyes you have’
The Brothers Grimm were Jacob and Wilhelm, German born in the later 1700’s, and best known for publishing fairy tales, such as Snow White, Cinderella, Hansel and Gretal, Rapunzel, and the Frog Prince. The Brothers Grimm are sometimes criticized for being, well, grim. See, children suffer in these fairy tales at the hands of cruel parents and witches and sometimes the … [Read more...]
Regression is common and treatable
He’s 48, but everything about his countenance and energy cries out 7 or 8 years-old. His face is a train wreck of rage, shame, and humiliation. A melting candle wax of self-loathing drips down his body language. His lip trembles and tears fill his eyes, like a boy will do when his mother or father shames and criticizes him for breaking a dish on the kitchen floor. He’s … [Read more...]
‘Yes, I’m giving you an ultimatum’
She turns to him, takes a breath, and holds it for a few seconds. Then she says it: “I’m not going to be in a marriage with a man who won’t talk to me.” He scowls. And what he says next is so cliché, well, you’d think the Cliché Police would have busted down my office door and arrested him on the spot. The husband says, “Are you giving me and ultimatum!?” Oh you poor … [Read more...]
Jumping headfirst into the future
Sometimes people come to therapy not to inquire. Rather, they come to declare. So it is with this man. He speaks of a woman. “She’s it for me,” he says. “This is it for me.” He’s not deciding whether to explore the relationship. He’s in it. He’s gone and jumped in the deep end. Just like that. Now, if this guy valued living sensibly, carefully, and conservatively, then, … [Read more...]
Harrowing journey of truth, beauty and selfhood
If I met songwriter Don McLean, I’d thank him for his song “Starry, Starry Night.” Because Don ‘gets’ it. A really beautiful thing in Don recognized a really beautiful thing abiding in the subject of his song – Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890). That would be the same Vincent Van Gogh who, with singular courage and passion, dared to explore the depth of life as life is – his own, … [Read more...]