No, she doesn’t contact her son any more. The grandkids, yes. But not her son. Not so much as a birthday card. Why? “Because he won’t forgive me, and I deserve to be forgiven,” the woman says. Deserve to be forgiven? Wow. The word choice is strong, clear, powerful … and uncommon. Surprising. For years this woman tried to account. She stood in patient, naked humility … [Read more...]
Sadly, some fear racial healing
Murray Bowen (1913-1990) is my hero. His contributions to psychology changed everything. Bowen pushed us – hard – to see human behavior systemically. That is, strictly speaking, there is no such thing as “individual behavior.” Each of us, Bowen insisted, is responding to a system of relationships. A marriage is a system, as is a parent/child relationship. A family is a … [Read more...]
Ahh, living the imperfect life
Smokey’s head is kinda sorta pit bull-esque. Maybe boxer. His face is German Shepherdish. His athletic body and temperament cry out Labrador Retriever. Smokey is a dog. A really happy, healthy dog. He is the latest vagabond canine sent by the gods to my little sister’s house in Flagstaff, Arizona. The gods do that a lot with my sister. I don’t understand the specifics of … [Read more...]
True fidelity isn’t only about sex
At the heart of marriage is the covenant pledge of fidelity. Now, ask around, and you’ll find that, when most folks hear the word “fidelity,” they immediately think of conjugal faithfulness. That is, I promise never to have sex with anybody else, ever. (Side note: It’s almost always a bad sign if, a few years into a marriage, your mate asks for your definition of what … [Read more...]
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother
Patients in therapy tell unhappy stories about relationships with their mothers and fathers. They grieve the past. They feel the burden of the past in the present. They are uncertain of the future. Telling these unhappy stories is, itself, a significant therapeutic victory. Sigmund Freud said, “No one is more unattackable than a parent,” and he was right. Parent/child … [Read more...]
Kelly Ann Conway: The Princess of pivot
Spit on me, and we’ll get through it. But don’t talk to me like I’m stupid. I just see red. I freely confess this is a childish ego issue for me. I’m working on it. But, in the meantime … Dear Way Too Many Liberals: (Just to clarify: I mean not all liberals, just way too many.) It’s not true that only uneducated, not very bright white people voted for The Donald. I … [Read more...]
The intimacy of living whole
We continue our discussion from last week regarding human intimacy … There are many “arenas of intimacy.” Intimacy with the nature, for example, is the conscious and intentional ways we realize our dependence on air, water, soil, and the animals, the way we celebrate and enjoy participating in creation, helping things live and grow. Religious folks talk about intimacy with … [Read more...]
We Long for Close Relationships
We are made for relationship. We are social animals. Yet, we are ambivalent about intimacy: We seek it, we shun it, we long for it, we dodge it. We need it. A whole and authentic life is marked by the ability to forge lasting, intimate relationships. It’s a goal of mine – that, before I die, there could be a handful of folks who might say they knew me. Really knew me. And … [Read more...]