Sooner or later, married people will acquire and manifest The Strange Idea. The word “strange” here can mean anything from ideas not useful to ideas absurd, untrue, unfair, or dishonest. I call this phenomenon The Strange Idea because, when I hear it in marital counseling sessions, I tend to narrow my eyebrows, look puzzled, and say, “What a … interesting idea,” because if you … [Read more...]
Nike Therapy: ‘Just Do It’
The Freudian Mystique is culturally pervasive. People come to therapy hoping to find that dramatic flash of insight: “That’s it! The reason I bite my fingernails is to compensate for my mother’s ‘rejecting, withholding breast,’ at which I did not have a nurturing experience!” People believe deeply that psychoanalytic insight will provide immense relief to them. People … [Read more...]
Children Need to Be Admired
As he tells the story of self-respect, fears faced and conquered, boundaries claimed and defended, I notice he seems taller. The timbre of his voice coming deeper. He is absent the anxious energy with which he first walked into my office, months ago. In moments like this, it’s as if patients forget I’m there. They talk from a place of authenticity and authority that makes me … [Read more...]
When Kids Use ‘Bad’ Words
2010. My son is 8, and in the second grade. I am driving him to school. He is in the back seat, lost in his Nintendo DS game device. Suddenly a long-suffering sigh wafts up into the front seat. Then the voice so quiet, so innocent, so sincere and thoughtful: “This is all [EXPLETIVE DELETED]’d up.” Did you see me dance around that word? That’s one powerful word! I might as … [Read more...]
Standing by Your Word
I know a business man in a lifelong love affair with Japan. He studies and admires the culture and history. He studies the language, the customs and traditions. His relationship with Japan reminds me of my maternal grandmother’s cosmic ‘crush’ on Mexico. These are the kinds of people that make you want to believe in previous lives. The business man shows me, on paper, the … [Read more...]
I’m trying to forgive, but how?
Q. I stumbled across a column you wrote about forgiveness. I read it over and over and over again, hoping it could “heal” my anger at my Mother and my sibling. But I feel numb. NUMB. I’m hoping you could help me find the real meaning of FORGIVENESS and let things go. I want to start moving on, but I don’t know how. I’m seriously injured emotionally from the stuff my Mother and … [Read more...]
Saying ‘Enough’ Begins Change
A friend tells me about his therapy and his therapist. For session after session – weeks, now – my friend has tried to explain the history between his brother and himself. He has taken great pains to describe the great pain he carries about the relationship – chronically disrespectful, disdainful, scornful, critical and bullying. Never physically abusive, but emotionally cold … [Read more...]
Don’t Tread on Me
When the American colonialists united to say a decisive “No!” to British rule, they flew several flags under and around Old Glory. Anchors. Eagles. Minute Men standing over the banner “Give me liberty, or give me death.” But the revolutionary flag that compels me most is the one with the rattlesnake. On one version of the flag, the snake is coiled, ready to strike. On … [Read more...]